Make a Decision

 “Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t decide. “ Anon

Decision-making is inherently difficult- more so for some than others.   Those who like to mull can find themselves mired in confusion over something as inconsequential as which brand of mustard or which shade of white paint to select. The insane range of possibilities only makes the problem worse.

  The Tyranny and Paradox of Choice

These concepts are not original to me but I have embraced them as foundational to Robin’s Rules. Their provenance is impressive.  The tyranny comes from The Economist and the paradox comes from Barry Schwartz’s, The Paradox of Choice.  The core problem is that when we are presented with too many choices, we begin to imagine that there is a “perfect” choice. Occasionally there is. But more often, perfect is only aspirational and our quest for it blinds us to the good or good enough that is right in front of us.

Hundreds of mustards, oils, and pickles on the grocery shelf don’t make the decision easier- they make it harder.  Picking a pickle becomes epic.  The hesitant shopper in the condiment aisle is on his phone asking for a lifeline.  “Do you want me to get the organic, the sugar free, the chunky, the coarse, the mild, the spicy, the glass jar, the squeeze bottle, the store brand, the American brand, the French brand, the buy one get one free…”  I kid you not.  Schwartz goes through a similar exercise with denim.  Jeans used to be zipper, button, straight or flair.  You’ve been to the jeans' purveyor and know that the condiments have nothing on the denim!

In recent years, behavioral researchers have unearthed some intriguing insights. Having no choice makes us unhappy and having too much choice does too. That no choice is a downer probably didn’t need social science experiments to determine. But that too much of a good thing is a bad thing, isn’t so obvious.  The paradox or tyranny of choice has been tested and validated repeatedly. In one landmark experiment, conducted in a swank California grocery, researchers displayed a sampling of jams.  First, they offered 24 tempting varieties. The next day the offering was culled to only six tempters. Shoppers who took part in the samplings were rewarded with a discount voucher to buy any jam of the same brand in the store. It turned out that more shoppers stopped at the display when there were 24 jams. But when it came to buying afterwards, fully 30% of those who stopped at the six-jam table went on to purchase a pot against merely 3% of those who were faced with the selection of 24.  Similar experiments have yielded consistent results. Choice exacts a high price- confusion, indecision, even panic. Goldilocks was lucky. With only three options, just right was the obvious choice. 

We’ve reached the point where the effort required to investigate and weigh all the options is wearing us out.  And as we fatigue with information overload, the burden of vetting the alternatives outweighs the benefit of the extra choices. Why are retailers slow to take notice? They seem hell-bent on more being better, even though this might be to no one’s advantage. What the seller wants to sell us is not necessarily what we want to buy.  As Schwartz reminds us, “Choice no longer liberates, but debilitates.” 

Remember the squirrel!

The Stockholm Syndrome Revisited

The Stockholm Syndrome, is the phenomenon in which victims display compassion for and even loyalty to their captors. It’s typically associated with dreadful things like kidnappings and abductions.  But it’s not too much of a stretch to apply it to our relationship with our possessions, where they are the captors and we, the unwitting victims.

Over time, we make excuses for our things and admit to being comforted by them. Once we own something, we place a higher value on it than we did when we acquired it- “the endowment effect”.  Put another way, once an item makes your team, it’s hard to cut it from your team.  All well and good if it’s something you need, use and love. But where things begin to unravel is when we afford this same loyalty and status to clutter, odds and ends and junk.

Blame evolution for this odd behavior.  Our ancestors lived with chronic scarcity and getting rid of anything was risky business. You might be left cold, hungry and naked.  In the affluent world, scarcity is at most an occasional worry. We’re warm, full and well-clad. Yet we’re hardwired to want more. In our overstuffed existence, it’s buying that’s risky business.  “Retail therapy” is not what the doctor ordered. That shopping has been medicalized, even tongue in cheek, should give us pause.

Behavioral economists have devised clever experiments that prove we are reluctant to let go of things even if we don’t need them or like them. We are more psychologically and emotionally saddened by letting go of something we don’t like than we were gladdened by acquiring it.

This might sound like a lot of nonsense, but the message is simple:  Be careful about what you acquire because it may end up owning you. Holding on to things you don’t like, want or need is one way of protecting yourself from the bad feelings letting go engenders. And it’s also the way to be awash in clutter.

You’ll know you’re in trouble when you start making excuses for your clutter.  Can you hear yourself saying, “It’s not that much stuff.  I might need this one day.  It was a gift from my mother.  I already have a lot of piles- one more won’t matter.”?  These are common symptoms of the Syndrome.

Has your home become a prison because of your sympathy for your inanimate captors?  Does your devotion to the 'mouse and the mall' cloud your better judgment ?  If so, the diagnosis may be the Stuff Syndrome.

You wouldn’t willingly welcome a stranger or a dangerous person into your home.  Exercise the same vigilance with things.                                                    

 “Losing feels worse than winning feels good.”

 Vin Scully was talking baseball, but the same is true for stuff. 

To the Doer Goes the Spoils

Road to Hell; proper noun

1. A route paved with good intentions

2. A repository of countless scorched soles

3. A thruway to be avoided owing to crowded conditions and heavy tolls

It’s a place many of us have trod, cursing our internal GPS for leading us astray.  To time wasted, soles singed and worthwhile laid bare as worthless.  As the road gets hotter and more serpentine, getting the hell out becomes more urgent.

How do you find a more pleasing byway?  By becoming a doer. Thinking is easy. Doing frequently isn’t.  But without follow through, intentions aren’t worth the time it takes to think them.  Intending to do something means not doing it, so don’t give yourself much credit just for thinking.

We don’t have to do everything we think.  Much of what we consider doing probably won’t be done and a goodly portion shouldn’t be done.  Imagined endeavors give us cover from the mundane but vital things we have to do.  Fantasy projects keep one foot in la la land, rather than on terra firma. Getting things done is hard.  It’s called working.  Not getting things done is easy.  It’s called loafing. 

                                                                       How To Get Things Done

First, appreciate that thinking (intentions) and doing (accomplishments), are related, but not as closely as we might wish.  Next, be willing to pull the plug on ideas that really should be circling the drain. When you realize that the thing you thought needed doing, really doesn’t, let it go. The road to crazy is paved with “If I think it I must do it.” Finally, remember that better is the enemy of the good.  Good is often good enough.

There are signposts indicating shaky ground. Heed them and course correct before it’s too late.

“I’ll get around to this soon …” is a first utterance.

“One of these days…” takes over when soon has long since past.

“When pigs fly…” indicates reality is setting in.

“Ok- Never.”  That’s it- the final pronouncement.  The good intention has put you in a bad place and you’re ready to admit your folly, cut your losses, and move on to something worth doing.

Never is not a failure.  Failure is continuing to make excuses or beat yourself up over something that you’ve realized doesn’t matter, or isn’t worth the time and energy required for completion.  Give yourself a pass on things you know are nevers.

I’m never going to organize my family’s pictures.  I mustered just enough will to have 1000 of the “best” (a dubious description) professionally scanned and saved to a disc and file.  The rest are in photo boxes, in rough chronological order.  There are no albums.  There are no collages.  And the thousands that hide in the computer are never going to be printed.  To do more with these photographic memories would be my personal Road to Hell.  What’s yours?  

                                                                   “Do or do not.  There is no try.”  Yoda

Surviving Abundance

“I have eaten a bumblebee and it’s under my shirt.” 

Whoa there.  Since when did abundance become a problem?  For much of history, man has been vigilant about conserving scarce resources. Surviving abundance is a weird 21st century twist on an ancient problem of surviving scarcity.  Our ancestors, living on the edge, couldn’t have fathomed the notion that we’d be struggling to get rid of excess stuff. 

About the only thing in short supply now is restraint.  We are overwhelmed by needless wants that only serve to increase our hassles and anxieties while decreasing our bank accounts.

Part of this is a naming problem. Abundance sounds pretty benign, maybe even desirable.  It connotes prosperity, safety, and well-being.  And if only we could recognize when enough is enough, abundance would be just fine.  But what we’re really dealing with is overabundance.  Excess. Surfeit.  Glut. Doesn’t sound so promising now, does it?

If you often feel like you’re drinking from a fire hose, you might be a victim of abundance gone amok.  Rather than being quenched, you’re drowning.  Too much comes in lots of packages- food, clothing, technology, gizmos, square footage and social media.

Once you’ve recovered from too much, how do you avoid being in survival mode again?  Flex your restraint muscles.  Practice saying no to frivolous purchases, no matter how alluring they may be.  Distinguish between needs (fundamental) and wants (fleeting).  Think before you do.

It’s easier to restrain than to recover.  Sips from the chalice of enough beat mopping up from the firehouse hose.

About that bumblebee?  This is a bastardization of the old saying, “I have eaten abundantly, any more would be an exert.” Until now, I assumed that others were privy to this expression that is delightful in both iterations.  But I find no mention of it anywhere, except in my family.  So this old saying, heretofore known only to the six grandchildren of Dorothy Arrington, can now be yours too.  

But be careful, lest you find yourself with a bumblebee under your shirt!

When All Is Said and Done

                                                             "Yesterday you said tomorrow." Anon

"When all is said and done..."  It’s a common expression. I’ve used it often and you probably have too.  What we seldom hear is the corollary to this phrase.  So try this on. "When all is said and done, more is said than done.”

That doesn’t trip off the tongue quite so easily. But it is frequently true.  And why is that?  One culprit is procrastination.  Procrastination isn’t a fairy godmother bestowing extra time.  It’s an insidious time thief.  And what’s a favorite way to procrastinate (aka waste a lot of time)?  The offender is often technology. Technology, in all its forms, can be a time saver but it’s often a time sink, especially for the tech challenged.   

                                                                              Time Sinkers

                                     Bloating your inbox by checking email rather than dealing with it

                             Cluttering your desktop with pdfs and documents for want of file folders

                                     Clicking remind me tomorrow (or never) for the software update

                                Knowing it’s in there somewhere but not having any idea how to find it

If you are feeling good about your computer skills because you can cut and paste or do a screen shot (I speak personally here), you might want some coaching.  Otherwise, the digital world will leave you behind in a cloud of bits and bytes.

Don’t despair.  A bilingual digital native-fluent in English and tech talk, can throw you a lifeline. For those who are at best, conversational in tech speak- the linguistic equivalent of being able to order café au lait and croissants in France, help can be helpful. A tech tutor can save you from yourself when you know a bit but it’s often just enough to get yourself into trouble.

Relying on children to bail us out when we make a colossal mess of things isn’t a strategy for success.  They might rescue us in a pinch, but learning how not to make the mess in the first place is a better long-term plan.  Find a teacher who can meet you where your messes begin, explaining things in a way that won’t make you feel like the village idiot.  A good teacher can  translate tech talk into plain English, allowing your skimpy language skills to morph into proficiency and maybe even fluency!

Don’t let your devices steal your time.  Don’t fall prey to the notion that you’re getting things done when in truth all you’re doing is shuffling electronic piles- the 21st century equivalent of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.  Largely a waste of time!

Stop procrastinating. Be able to say,  “When all is said and done, more was done than said.” 

Gifts, Wrapped and Given

Robin’s Rules Of Order helps me keep my nest tidy so it’s not surprising that in gift-wrapping, as in most things, I have a uniform. Brown paper packages tied up with strings- a favorite thing!  Craft paper is inexpensive, adaptable and surprisingly chic.  Twine ties things up and attaches the plain merchandise hangtags in a practical but spiffy way.  Unadorned craft paper gift bags and white tissue paper round out my stash. I don’t need a “wrapping center”- a small box does the trick. And the supplies are easily found at office supply and craft stores.  Borrow my uniform if you like or find one that suits you better.  Just keep it simple.

So the wrapping part is simplified but that still begs the question- what to give?  It’s harder to standardize gift purchases as you might other things in your life, especially if your purpose in giving the gift is to please the recipient, not just scratch it off your list.  

But what to buy doesn’t have to be an epic decision.  If it’s a wedding gift, unless you know the couple intimately, stick to their registry. Choosing your gift early insures the best selection. Sending the couple’s first gift is something that pleases me greatly.  Enclosing an engraved calling card is another.  Old fashioned? Certainly.  But is that so bad?

Baby gifts are another delight.  I knit and my favorite projects are small ones.  I’ve yet to find a mother-to-be who doesn’t love a wee sweater or tiny hat.  Seeing it take shape is so much more satisfying than hauling to the mall and being overwhelmed by the mountain of choices. Make no mistake.  Engraved enclosures and hand knits are not for everyone.  But everyone can find a few reliable choices that take much of the guesswork and angst out of giving.  Tried and true can take many routes. 

A route that you should consider is Bonnie & Bud. http://www.bonnieandbud.com/

Their gift boxes guarantee that “scratching it off the list” was not your modus operandi!  And a box from Bonnie & Bud will make the person who thinks they have everything, realize they were wrong. Thoughtfully selected gifts. Beautifully boxed.  Carefully delivered.   That would be enough but it just scratches the surface.  Organic, locally sourced, cottage industry, small batch- these are all descriptors of what makes Bonnie & Bud’s selections noteworthy.  The handmade wooden box is a gift in itself.  But if you need something for the person who really does have everything, Bonnie & Bud can create a consumable gift.  It will be enjoyed twice-once in its consumption and again, in the fact that it’s gone- all except that fabulous box! 

There couldn’t be much simpler or lovelier that choosing a Bonnie & Bud gift. Those who put the boxes together are masters of taste and style.  Boxes can be customized but the options that they’ve created -baby, new house, love, holiday, just because… are anything but standard. Add a handwritten note of congratulations and salutations and your gift is complete.

Bonnie & Bud’s newest selection is Peace and Simplicity.  The handmade box is filled with consumable treats and a signed copy of Robin’s Rules of Order.  Hopefully the treats will be devoured and the book, savored.

One last thought on giving. When the gift is for a specific occasion, be sure it arrives on time.  Belated gifts always come with a little unnecessary baggage. You know you’re going to buy the gift eventually.  Sooner is always better than outright late. Birthdays, anniversaries and holidays are common triggers for gift giving, but some of the best gifts come at unexpected times and for reasons known only to giver and receiver.  Spontaneous giving delights both.  Try it!

The Language of Simple

Simplistic. Mistake seventeen in the Top 20 Word Misuses by Steven Pinker, renowned (not renouned!) Harvard linguist.  Simplistic means "naively or overly simple." It does not mean "simple" or "pleasingly simple." 

Appreciating the difference between overly simple and pleasingly simple is a good idea when it comes to building your nest.  Simple is a laudable goal while simplistic may be a rabbit hole.

I’ve come very close to falling down a rabbit hole. I love order and have a less is more default. But caution must be exercised lest we allow simplistic to masquerade as simple. Simplistic is too little of a good thing- naïve and inadequate.

Minimalism is my rabbit hole. It is fashionable and I have fancied myself a disciple but I’ve had a nagging feeling that minimalism is too simplistic. It’s hot, but it leaves me lukewarm. In pondering why I’ve never taken the bait on things like the spending detox or the challenge to only own x items of clothing, I realized that it’s enoughism, not minimalism that excites me. Believing I’d coined a new term, imagine my disappointment when Google found this for me in a trice. 

Enoughism:  (Noun) It is the theory that there is a point where consumers possess everything they need, and buying more would actually make them worse off. It emphasizes less spending and more buying restraint. It is the antonym for consumerism. 

I think of enough as being the fulcrum between too little and too much.  It’s where I feel grounded and stable. It’s the pivot point that allows me to sometimes tip toward more and frequently tip toward less.  It’s the place where simple, triumphs. 

Not wanting our Random House Unabridged Dictionary, Webster’s Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary, and The American Heritage College Dictionary to feel spurned, I looked up (the antecedent of Googling) Enough: "Adequate for the want or need. Sufficient. Fully."  No mention of enoughism. 

But in truth, these dictionaries are a ready example of enoughism. “Why own even one if you have a computer?” you ask.  They’re just an anachronism.  Dusty space-gobblers. Maybe for some, but for me, they are enough.  The dog-eared paperback dictionaries with broken spines have been discarded.  But these three stalwarts remain. I know where they came from.  I know where they live. And even though I embrace Google, not having these sturdy companions would diminish, not enrich the nest I share.

The Oppressive Gospel of ‘Minimalism’  in the New York Times Magazine, July 2016 by Kyle Chayka, confirmed my dis-ease with minimalism.  The story was an eye-opener-worth a read in its entirety, but here’s the short version. 

The new minimalist lifestyle always seems to end in enabling new modes of consumption, a veritable excess of less. It’s not really minimal at all.  To wealthy practitioners, minimalism is now little more than a slightly intriguing perversion, like drinking at breakfast.  Minimalism telegraphs elitism.  The richer one is, the less one has.  But with a carefully edited life, having only the right things is crucial.  The wrong stuff is a minimalist buzzkill. Being a minimalist takes lots of resources- time, money, social standing, confidence and a speedy internet connection. 

If minimalism is oppressive, and consumerism is burdensome, maybe enoughism is our ticket to liberation. Enough is enough.

If a devotee of minimalism is a minimalist, then I’m an enoughist. I don’t see this word in any dictionary, so I’m making it my own. I wish it rolled off the tongue more easily, so if a better word comes along, I’ll adopt it.

                                                  “Make everything as simple as possible but not one bit simpler.”

 Albert Einstein believed in the beauty of simple.  And part of that beauty is the knowledge that enough is quite a plenty.

A Tale of Two Threes

Expensive to Worthless: The First of Two Threes

“Things have a way of going from expensive to worthless pretty quickly.” That was my husband’s innocent observation that got me thinking.

He was helping me store a bolt of Belgian linen leftover from reupholstering chairs. And expensive it was.  The estimate of the necessary yardage clearly over shot the mark.  So the extra, which I’d yet to use, was taking up space, growing old and dusty, and would likely die a slow death. Possibly I’d find a use for it, but if I did, it would mean spending more time and money on something just to assuage guilt. That's the sad tale of how imported linen went from expensive to worthless in the space of a few weeks as the result of haphazard planning.

I thought the designer glasses an acquaintance wore were adorable.  Mind you, she’s 25 years my junior and would have been seriously adorable without them, but they seemed like a good idea.  Wrong, on so many levels!  I am lucky to only need reading glasses so from a functional standpoint, any dime store variety does the trick.  Since I don’t wear them all the time, I’ve found the best storage place is on the top of my head where their cuteness is largely wasted. The three for $10 readers I buy at the dime (now dollar) store stay put pretty well.  The one for $300 from the optical store didn’t fare so well.  That pair went missing.  I was sure it would turn up soon.  And I was right. I found them crushed beyond repair in the gravel driveway. I’ll not soon forget that I have a dime store head.  My expensive to worthless purchase was the result of fanciful thinking.

Our Apple TV, DVR, and other mysterious devices reside behind a closet door, out of sight and out of mind- or at least the former. But when the door is opened, I’m reminded of these things we bought and paid to have connected, and yet have never once used.  There are some 3-D glasses too that have some relation to the ‘smart’ TV, but we’re not smart enough to know or dumb enough to care.  Our skilled installer knew how to make all this stuff work and even created a cheat sheet on how and when to use each of the four remotes. He was so steeped in his area of expertise that he couldn’t fathom someone not wanting an Apple TV or such. Rather than trusting ourselves, we let the audio/video pro drive the decision. This expensive to worthless exercise was the result of relying too heavily on the expert.

So what are the lessons?  Beware of imprecise planning, fanciful thinking, and over-reliance on professionals. Banish unnecessary guilt. Trust yourself. And, be very careful about what you buy because once something makes the team, it's painful to cut it from the team.  “Expensive to worthless” mistakes go a long way toward explaining why our wallets are so thin and our houses are so cluttered.

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Priceless: The Second Three 

Diamonds, set proud of the band, have been desired for centuries. Many are quite beautiful, but none do I remotely desire. I prefer a simple diamond band that can be worn for farm work and yoga.  One I don’t have to fret will attract attention if I’m in a shady situation. That’s what I wanted years ago and it’s still what I want. And lucky me, it’s what I have.  I knew my mind.  I felt confident enough to keep the currents of conformity and style from setting me adrift. Moving with the masses isn’t inherently bad or spineless.  Just be sure you want to be in that scrum.  If not, step aside and do it your way.

Our car sans sunroof is the flip side of the audio/video mistake. Previous cars came with a sunroof as part of the package that benefits the car dealer but frequently not the consumer.  And in many years of ownership of these previous cars, the sunroof was only opened once- when the salesman was showing off all the great features we’d surely love.  Apparently we don’t love sunroofs.  What we do love is a car roof that will never spring a leak and having one less gadget to malfunction.

A charm bracelet comprised of foreign coins in different shapes, sizes and metals is one of my favorite things.  It brings back happy memories of visits to distant places, many seen before the Euro became a common currency. The jangling change was put aside when we returned from trips and largely forgotten.  But seeing an ad for a pricy coin bracelet reminded me of the trove I had and inspired me to make something of it.  A friend with a drill press made holes in each coin.  A jewelry maker sold me the fixing and a helpful husband with steady hands helped with construction. I love the way it looks and feels. It has a cheerful jingle.  I love that my daughter and daughter-in-law wanted one too and we had coins aplenty for theirs.  It’s an earthier, more casual version of the classic gold charm bracelet.  And I think it’s aptly named- charming. Taking something that was practically worthless- mostly obsolete coins and giving them a new lease on life- priceless.

What are the lessons here?  If you don’t like where the herd is going, you’d better not follow.  Features you don’t like or need are more aptly called ‘mistakes’. Know your mind.  Less can be more.  Just because something isn’t fit for the purpose it was originally intended, doesn’t mean it is useless. It can in fact, be not just useful but beautiful.

Mindfulness with your possessions ensures that the “priceless” parts of your life will greatly outnumber the “expensive to worthless” ones.  In short, think before you do.

Perfection...

"Small dwellings discipline the mind, large ones weaken it." Da Vinci
 

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Built in the 1920s, The Georgian Apartments blended harmoniously with the single-family homes on Queens Road in Charlotte.  The French Colonial style building sat well on the tree-lined lot. Why a French Colonial with large verandas and beautiful ironwork was called The Georgian is an oddity that only serves to make the building more charming. But through the years, The Georgian grew tired while its neighbors grew ever grander.  The building was saved from the wrecking ball (a common fate in nice old neighborhoods) because of the vision of one developer who knew, maybe only subconsciously, that Da Vinci was right.  Small dwellings discipline the mind and large ones weaken it.

The Georgian was up-fitted and buffed and sold as eight condominium units.  My friend owns one of them- 1100 square feet on the second floor- a jewel box of a home.  It wasn’t too many generations ago that 1100 square feet for two people would have been called spacious.  But now, outside a few impossibly expensive cities, that’s not considered much space. 

But to my way of thinking, 1100 nearly perfect square feet are much more desirable than quadruple that amount filled with mistakes.  When space is constrained, the mind is not only disciplined but also expanded. Outside the box thinking yields clever solutions.  Attention to tiny details makes small, smashing.  And that’s exactly what my friend did with the help of a decorator who also happens to be her good friend.

There was no adding on. The footprint was fixed.  Few walls could be moved and mechanical chases had to be respected.  The restraints inherent in this renovation made things easier, not harder.  The choices were limited so each could be thoughtfully considered.  A second bedroom became a den with a comfortable pullout sofa for the occasional guest. The former occupant of that room had grown up and was now a budding decorator in New York.  And she confessed to her mother that she liked the new room better than the old one.  She was ok with her bedroom not being maintained as a shrine to her teenage years!  A fabulous little bathroom fit in a closet to make an ensuite, a lovely French term we’ve all learned from HGTV.

The kitchen was redone from bow to stern.  And the shipshape analogy is apt, as this kitchen is smaller than most would consider functional. But some of the nicest dinner parties I’ve ever attended have been prepared and served from that kitchen.  Everything has a place.  Everything is used.  That’s part of the discipline that small dwellings engender.

The owner has beautiful things. It’s an eclectic assortment, but with her willingness to experiment and her decorator’s well-trained eye, things as seemingly incompatible as a Lucite dining table and a Chippendale corner cabinet live in perfect harmony.  A few new things were purchased when the condo was redone, but for the most part, the owner used what she already had but in different ways.

Antoine de St. Exupéry said, “Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing more to take away.”  By his definition, my friend’s home is perfect. 

So consider making the most of what you have without falling prey to the 'bigger is better' mindset. Have a disciplined mind rather than a weakened one.  Let’s not argue with Da Vinci.

The Clutter Continuum-Where Do You Fall?

A continuum is continuous sequence in which adjacent elements are not perceptibly different from each other, although the extremes are quite distinct.  A normal distribution along a continuum has a middle that is more heavily populated than either end. This creates the well-known bell shaped curve.

At one end of the clutter continuum is the person who puts her newspaper in the recycling bin as soon as she has finished reading it (which is before most of her neighbors have climbed out of bed).  And it is more neatly folded and better organized than when it was delivered.  At the other end, is the woman who says, “I’m not a hoarder. We’ve never found a dead animal in the house.”

‘Quite distinct’ is an understatement! One end sounds pathologically compulsive.  The other end suggests damning oneself with faint praise. But the extremes tell only a small part of the clutter continuum story. It’s between the margins, where the descriptions may be less colorful, that most of us fall.

Clutter really needs no definition.  It’s like a Supreme Court justice famously said about pornography, “I know it when I see it.”  But if you want a definition, Barbara Hemphill’s is a good one. “Clutter is decisions postponed.”

But with clutter, it’s less the what than the why that bears examination. There are myriad reasons that we have so many possessions that bring us so little enjoyment or utility. Indecisiveness may be a leading suspect but decisions-poorly-made is undoubtedly an accomplice.

How might missing the mark on decision-making manifest?
Self inflicted clutter. The decision not to buy was ignored.
Guilty clutter.  The decision to admit, “I made a mistake” is squelched.
Inherited clutter.  The decision that you don’t want Granny’s china is not confessed.
Aspirational clutter. The decision to know your own mind is trumped by keeping up appearances.

Whether family china, a convention swag bag, or an ill-conceived purchase, it’s clutter just the same.  If you don’t use it, love (or at least like) it, and have space for it to be properly stored, it’s clutter.  Remember, knowing what clutter is, is easy. Understanding why you allow it to be an unwelcomed housemate is the hard part.

No matter where you are on the clutter continuum, the Rules help answer why. And once you know why, putting clutter where it belongs is pretty straightforward. Options abound, but in short, it’s someplace other than with you.

A truth. Letting go of things feels worse than acquiring them felt good.  Remember that and you’ll save yourself a lot of heartache, money and clutter!

Enough is Enough?

"Nothing is sufficient for the man to whom the sufficient is too little." Epicurus, 4th Century BC, Greek philosopher

No one wants to admit to enough never being enough, but be honest.  Are you and your money parted in wasteful, extravagant or thoughtless ways? Have you elevated consumption to the level of Olympic sport?  How else can one explain the planning, the exhaustive and exhausting hunt, and the proud flaunting of shopping trophies?  Like the big game hunter with the leopard skin rug, the shopper extraordinaire delights in the hunt, the kill and the display. 

But do these outward and visible displays delight or have we consumers simply been narcotized to the folly of indiscriminate buying?

The signs of profligate spending are everywhere. Consider these all-too-common symptoms.

At least a third of all food we purchase is never consumed.  The result is lots of wasted dollars, squandered time and poorly deployed storage space.  What’s skulking in your pantry and refrigerator that you’ll never use?

The closet houses a bunch of strangers too.  By some estimates, eighty percent of what’s there will not see the light of day.  With a big closet, it’s easy to ignore the lurkers, but they are not going away on their own.  You invited them in.  You’ll have to show them to the door.

Today’s hot new toy or gadget will likely be tomorrow’s clutter.

Planned obsolescence keeps corporations flush and landfills full.  Consumers who stoke three quarters of the nation’s economy are the pawns in this game. We have a seemingly endless appetite for the latest and greatest, no matter the utility of the next iteration. We’ve allowed our self-worth to be defined by what we own.  And we don’t want to feel inadequate!

So what’s the antidote to hyper-consumption? Think, restrain, retrain.

Think before you buy. Do you need it or simply want it?  Can you afford it?  Can you store it?  Engage your mind before you engage your credit card so you can delight in your decision rather than regret it.

The line between needs and wants has so blurred that these words are now used almost interchangeably. But they are fundamentally different. Our needs pale in comparison to our wants.  Needs should be satisfied.  Wants should be indulged very thoughtfully. 

Restrain yourself. We’ve become a nation of shopping enthusiasts- maybe shopping addicts. It’s our favorite pastime.  We’re burdened by our possessions yet we keep on buying. That’s crazy. It’s self- defeating, messy, and expensive. Emotion and poor impulse control drive reckless shopping.  “I see, I want, therefore I buy.”  What are your triggers- boredom, loneliness, keeping up appearances...? Find other ways to feel good.

“Buy the best and you only weep once.” The ancient Chinese proverb still applies.

Retrain yourself. With practice, the impulse to shop will ebb. You’ll form new, healthier habits. You’ll be amazed by how much space (physical, financial, and emotional) is created simply by stemming the flow of stuff into your home. You’ll discover that much of what you’ve been buying, you’re happier without.  Less truly will be more.

“Things start out as hopes and end up as habits.” Lillian Hellman was on to something.

Maybe we're reaching the tipping point and are moving toward a more reasoned and sane approach to consumption.  Witness the deluge of books, blogs and articles on simplifying.  If you’re reading this, you almost certainly know the perils of too much stuff.  Retail therapy is expensive and not just in the monetary sense.

With Robin’s Rules as your guide, maybe 2017 will be the year where the ancient Greek philosopher, Epicurus is resurrected, and the sufficient will be sufficient.

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not” Epicurus

The Talking Room

I recently complimented a friend on the architectural beauty of a room in the front of his house. Despite my having been in his home a number of times, I'd never really seen this room. I'd passed through it, but never been struck by it. But this time was different. 

He told me the inspiration for the ceiling pitch and woodwork was an old church in Wilmington, NC that he'd visited only once, but the beautiful space spoke to him on a deep level.  

What he told me next, spoke to me on a deep level. "Winnie (his four year old granddaughter) calls it "the talking room".  What a wonderful description! For her, it's not the living room.  For in most houses, the living room is the deadest room in the house.  But in this house, it's where people go to talk to each other, face to face.  It's where televisions, and phones and computers are not.  Just people- family, friends, and mere acquaintances bring this room to life. They give it a reason for being.  

It takes a precocious four year old to make those of us who are dulled by the ubiquity of devices that purport to connect us, appreciate that nothing replaces talking to someone in person.  This little digital native knows something that we should all remember. The very devices we believe connect us, can also make us strangers.
 
This year, give yourself and your friends, family and mere acquaintances the gift of real connectedness.  Be alive and present in your talking room. Calm your twitching fingers and find your voice.

One bit of irony about the inspiration for the talking room. My friend's reason for being at the beautiful church was to bury the dead.  From death to life. 

A Dusty Day

A good friend and I were searching for a time to get together that suited us both. Being the holiday time of the year, trappings and trimmings are plentiful, but time is not.  She suggested a date for the week after Christmas Day "when the dust has settled". 

Nothing unusual about that idiomatic usage. We all know what she meant.  When all is calm. When things return to normal.  When the busyness of the holiday is quieted. 

What is remarkable was her next sentence. "I wish for you a dusty day."  What? On first blush that may seem like a pox rather than a gift. On this Fourth Day of Christmas, instead of Four Calling Birds, I've gotten my dusty day.  

What a fine gift!  A day of calm, order, and spaciousness, when the dust has gently settled. Just in time.  Thank you my friend.

Has the dust settled in your home?  If so, enjoy your dusty day.  If not, wait. It soon will come.  More quietly than Four Calling Birds so pay attention.  One day soon, the world will wait for you, rather than the other way around.